All Alone in the Moonlight
by SpicyCheese
Summary: Where did Tamsin go, after she was reborn, when she left to "find herself" and other Valkyries? Set between when she left in 4x04 and returned in 4x08. Valkubus undercurrents for sure. More chapters to follow. First Lost Girl fic, so please feel free to comment.
1. Arrival

All Alone in the Moonlight

She doesn't know _how_, but she knows. She just knows.

No one told her how to find them, but like a young bird's first migration she somehow implicitly knows the way back to the others. Back to her flock- the other Valkyries. And just like those young birds, she knows when she has to fly. Back home, after Evony's dark party, she overheard Kenzi tell Bruce to find himself. That's when she knew. She knew it was time to go.

She traveled all the next day and night, dozing on and off before finally stepping off the bus and back into the cool night air. She starts to walk; the moon her only illumination as she begins to wind her way through the narrow alleyways. Left and right through the shadowed labyrinth and even in the pitch black she knows it's the right way. She just knows.

The rundown building doesn't have a sign, but a mark is scratched outside the door. The mark of the Valkyrie- a wing-hilted sword.

_Looks like a 'V' for Valkyrie_, she smiles. _Kenzi would appreciate that one_. Tamsin opens the door and enters into the dimly lit bar.

It's quiet, that's the first thing that strikes her. The lighting, the atmosphere, the clientele, all quiet. Patrons sit at small tables and booths, muted conversations and drinks shared between them. Tamsin's struck by the stark contrast of this place to the life, energy and literal volume of The Dal, or even at home with Kenzi. Tamsin stands up tall- she makes a conscious effort to present herself in a way that matches the rest. Controlled, poised, assured.

_AKA Boooooring_. She hears Kenzi in her head and stifles a smirk, shaking the smile away as she walks up to the bar. The bartender appraises Tamsin as she sits down. The woman behind the bar has long had dark hair, partially braided back in a way that reminds Tamsin of Bo. She appeared older though, and definitely like she had seen battle. Tamsin, even fresh from rebirth, can still tell from someone's eyes that they've seen war. Tamsin notices small golden key hangs from a leather strap around the woman's neck.

"Welcome back Tamsin. Your usual?" The barkeeper meets her eyes with a smile.

Tamsin was caught off guard. _My usual?_ _She knows me? Alright, act cool._ She shouldn't be surprised she guessed, but gods she hated the whole getting-your-memories-back process.

"Uh, sure?" Tamsin said though she felt anything but.

"Ah, recently reborn. Gotcha." The barkeep smirked knowingly at her before setting to work. She removed the key from around her neck, and used it to open the locked cabinet behind her. With a relaxed deftness that comes from years of experience she got to work mixing a beverage from the dusky faded bottles within. The bottles are opaque, muted colors, and unlabeled. They reminded Tamsin of sea glass, worn over the years but with their own beautiful luster. Tamsin mused about how she knew what sea glass looked like when she hadn't seen it- at least not in this lifecycle. Memory is funny like that. Images and knowledge without context can be unnerving.

The barkeeper finished her concoction, which ended up looking like a rather thick and sickly version of a Tequila Sunrise. She placed it in front of Tamsin.

"Do you want anyone with you while you have it?" She said.

"Um…"

The barkeeper smiled, and extended her hand, which Tamsin took and shook. "Davina. You'll remember me soon enough. I used to be part of your battalion back in day." She sighed and smiled, "Trojan war. Damn, those were good times."

Tamsin furrowed her brow a bit, "I don't remember. I can't remember…I'm sorry."

"No worries, but 'sorry'? Oh man, I don't think I've EVER heard you say that one." She laughed and looked at Tamsin, appraisingly, "There's something different this time, with you. What happened?"

"I'm not sure. I mean, I wouldn't know… I mean someone told me this was my final cycle…"

Davina raised an eyebrow, "Who told you that?"

"Ugh, Massimo." Tamsin rolled her eyes. "He's, like, this total wannabe evil Druid asshole guy. He was threatening my friend and I kinda Valk-ed out on him, wings and all, and he said it was my last life cycle."

"Wings… really? You?" Davina sniggered. "Oh Tamsin… you what has gotten into you…or who, I should say…"

Tamsin scrunched up her face, confused. "What do you mean?"

Davina smiled at her, kindly, and Tamsin couldn't help feeling like she was being treated like a small child. "Look, I get off in 20 minutes. I may not be the person closest to you, but I know you well enough. Why don't you hold off drinking that for a few, and I'll sit with you. I have a feeling you're going to need someone around, this time. Considering the state of you…" She laughed and shook her head. " 'Sorry', ha, oh man…" Without waiting for a response, Davina went off to tend to other customers, leaving Tamsin to sweat out just what would happen when she drank the cocktail.

While she waited, she looked around a bit. Other customers, other Valkyries she assumed, were scattered around. Some had armor on; their gold and bronze glinting at her from different corners. Other had different periods of dress on. Somehow, all of them managed to look like they were suited for battle though. Air of strength and purpose radiated off each of them and Tamsin felt excited thinking that if this was what it meant to be a Valkyrie, she was looking forward to it. She certainly didn't see herself that way, at least not since her rebirth.

She had felt other things though. Safe, for one. And loved. Though learning to experience, express and trust those emotions had felt a bit like a cat being rubbed the wrong way. Sometimes it felt like she was forcing a square peg through a round hole or using a brand-new machine for the first time- before it had time to be used and broken in properly. It felt uncomfortably new.

That's why Tamsin loved Kenzi- she'd helped her through all of this. Kenzi had been "Moms" throughout Tamsin's recent, short existence. She had cheered Tamsin up when she was upset, told her it was going to be okay- even when it wasn't, and taught her how to take care of herself and to take care of others- just like Kenzi did everyday. Tamsin saw that Kenzi was always taking care of the others, even if they didn't notice. She made everyone feel included, even when they weren't, which wasn't easy when it came to Bo. Someone was always left out when it came to Bo.

_Bo_. Tamsin smiled. Bo was… amazing. Dyson was cute, albeit a bit gruff, Lauren was smart and pretty but cold, Hale was cool and Tamsin certainly wouldn't dis anyone who made her Moms so happy.. but Bo? Bo was different. Bo was..well, Bo was _magnetic_. Every time Tamsin was in a room with Bo, she could feel it- like she was literally being pulled towards Bo. She wasn't sure if it was a Succubus thing, or a Bo thing, but it was there. Tamsin wondered what they were like before this, what really had gone on between them. Bo had told her, in Massimo's lair, that they hadn't always gotten along, but that she thought and told Tamsin that she was incredible. _Incredible_! And Bo had hugged her. And there was this warm, pulse through her. And it wasn't just Bo's succubus charm- it was love. It was what love felt like. Right then she knew what love was and somehow she was sure that in the past she had loved Bo. She was sure of it. Sure like she knew Kenzi cared for her and always would. Sure like she knew how to get to the Valkyrie place she was sitting in right now. She just knows.

She was still smiling a bit when Davina finally came around to her side of the bar and sat next to her. Davina frowned a bit, seeing Tamsin's smile. "Oh Tamsin… Hon, it's going to hurt this time. But I'll be right here." She put her hand on Tamsin's and squeezed it before letting go again. Davina let her face return to one more like the other stoic Valkyries around the room and she said, "Now drink up. If I were you, I'd just chug it. Get it over with…"

Tamsin looked from Davina to the drink in front of her, eying it suspiciously. Finally, Tamsin shrugged and picked it up. "Bottoms up," she said as she raised the glass to her mouth and took a long drink.

And it began.


	2. Departure

The pain was instant and it almost knocked her to the floor. It shot through Tamsin's every nerve like she was being electrocuted. Images slammed into her consciousness and Tamsin wrenched her eyes shut in an attempt to block them out. Even with eyes closed though, the scenes assaulted her. They came flying at her one after the next. Images of death. Of dying. Of pain. Much from war but much, much more she could tell were from her own hand. People cried, cities burned and the blood flowed. Tamsin didn't know how much more she could take.

Then, like being pulled out of a vat of water, Tamsin resurfaced and was back in the bar. She gasped for breath, bracing herself on the bar.

"Oh yeah…smarts don't it. Breath girl," Davina said, a strong hand on Tamsin's back.

"What! *gasp * What the hell was that!?" Tamsin grasped, trying to catch hold of her breathing.

"That," Davina began, "was your memories coming back."

Tamsin wiped her eyes, watering from the pain of it, "Is it always so… painful?"

Davina shrugged. "It depends."

"On _what_?" Tamsin scraped her tongue with her teeth- an attempt to get the chalky and metallic taste of her mouth. She desperately wanted something to drink, but certainly not the offending cocktail in front of her.

"It depends on the Valkyrie herself. On what kinds of memories they have."

"So much death. So much pain…" Tamsin winced, thinking about it.

"Yeah you've had quite the career…"

"Career? No… I don't want that. How could _I_…How…"

Davina looked quizzically at the blonde, "What's happened to you Tamsin?"

"I don't know what you mean…"

Davina shook her head, "Never mind. We'll find out soon enough. Or you will at least." She pushed the drink closer to Tamsin, "You need to finish this."

"What?! No! Are you serious?" Tamsin pushed it away gingerly, almost afraid the images would start again if she even touched it too much.

Davina rolled her eyes and pushed it back. "Don't be such a pussy, man up Tamsin! God! What is wrong with you this time? Were you raised by kittens? You need to finish it- ALL of it- to get your memories back. And you, Valkyrie, need your memories back. For we," she gestured to herself and the rest of the room, "are nothing without them."

Tamsin eyed the room wearily. She hadn't been aware until now, but others around were looking her. The other Valkyries. Some looked at her curiously, some expectantly, and others with outright disapproval. They looked like they were waiting, and Tamsin regretted calling attention to herself by making such a loud scene a moment earlier. She looked at her drink again, and back at Davina, who nodded in encouragement. Tamsin reached out and grasped the drink again, bringing it slowly back to her lips. Taking a deep breath, she began trying to chug it as fast as she could.

The pain was instantaneous- striking her brain like lightning again, eyes burning as scene after scene came to her.

Wars passed before her again. Heroes she collected from the battlefield, honored warriors she brought to Valhalla. Tamsin felt what she felt at the time. She felt honor and grace and a sense of purpose. She felt strong and brave and wise. Encouraged, she kept drinking.

Suddenly she gasped though, as her body began to sizzle with pain again. This time the pain was more acute, more isolated. Her stomach dropped when she realized she was reliving old injuries. Sword wounds hacked at her side; arrows pierced her skin all over. Stabbing and healing, ripping and healing, it felt like she was being continually impaled and all the while, the images did not stop.

She grimaced and forced herself to take another swig. She wretched and then forced herself to hold it down as the war scenes waned and gave way to mercenary work. Dark images, treasures swapped for murder. Blood on her hands. Feelings of honor and pride slipped away slowly, replaced by something darker that began to skulk through her veins. Vengeance, greed, and apathy slowly oozed through her, and she felt a sneer curl around her lips as she drank. She still felt powerful, but also cruel. And empty. Alleyways and dark corners flew by and suddenly He was there.

Tamsin gasped- those eyes. He was pure evil. She almost dropped the glass but Davina held her hand to it. "You have to keep going Tamsin!"

Tamsin felt her hand shake and brought the glass back up again. She didn't want to see him again. As soon as the liquid passed her lips though, there He was. Evil. He was pure evil. She had no choice; she had to find this woman for him. The woman he sought. She couldn't refuse him.

Then he was gone, and time flew again.

"Tamsin…" She heard Davina from outside of herself, "You're almost done- FINISH IT!"

Tamsin threw her head back and swallowed the rest.

And there she was again, in more present time. And the gang was there too. Bo was there. And Dyson. And Kenzie and Trick and Lauren and Evony. And her. Tamsin saw herself. She watched as hate for all of them shifted to indifference, and then again to something more like caring.

Then she saw herself see Bo. _Bo_. Something tugged at Tamsin's chest as she saw how Bo loved each person around them. Tamsin saw Bo's love for Kenzi. Her strength with Dyson. Her devotion to Lauren. There were other things too, and Tamsin felt the tug again. She felt a wave of something lighter and brighter wash over her, trying to force out the darkness she didn't even know she had been carrying. Tamsin didn't understand it even as she saw it, even as she re-experienced it. A walk in the woods. Words exchanged in a tub. A kiss in the forest.

Tamsin saw herself and winced as she relived her own struggle between what she wanted, what she knew was right and what she had to do. She felt the smoothness of the rune glass under her touch. She tasted the blood in her mouth from the fight at Taft's compound. Finally, she felt the determination, strength and courage- the same as when she was a warrior on the battlefield- as she plowed into the Wander with her truck.

After the cliff, bright light flashed and on the other side, she felt it again, stronger than it ever was. That tug in her chest before became a force, pulling at her hard. Love.

She just knows.

Things sped up again now, coming to a close. There was Kenzi combing her hair and dancing with her. Dyson telling her what Love was. And Bo. Bo telling her she was incredible.

Tamsin's eyes shot open and she was back at the bar- gasping to catch her breath again.

She was vaguely aware of the cheer around her, and suddenly other Valkyries surrounded her, all congratulating her. She barely registered the "Welcome backs" as she fought to reorient herself. Slowly, the crowd dispersed and she looked to Davina again.

"Welcome back," she intoned.

"Uh, yeah. Gods… that…_that_…" Tamsin said, rubbing her eyes.

"Stings like a bitch, right? Always does. Here," she said, and pushed a tumbler of whiskey towards the blonde.

Tamsin looked at it, smirked gratefully, and downed it in one go. She smacked her lips as the liquid burned its way through her.

"Now there's the Tamsin I knew," Davina pushed her own whiskey glass to Tamsin as well and smiled for a moment before letting it drop again into a more serious expression before she continued. "But now that you're back, tell me about the warrior."

"Who?" Tamsin said, sipping off Davina's glass.

"The warrior. You know, the one you've fallen in love with…"

Tamsin almost choked on her drink, "What? I'm not _in_ love…"

"I beg to differ. What about the wings genius. You got 'em. Valkyries only do once they've fallen for their warrior."

"And here I thought we got them every time a bell rings…" She winced, her head began to throb.

"Oh honey, you're no angel. As I'm sure you remember now…"

Tamsin grit her teeth, and rubbed her temples, "My head…"

"It all coming back to you?" Davina smirked at her, arms crossed.

Tamsin continued to rub as she thought. _In love? Could she actually be _in love_ with Bo? How did Bo go from being a mark to being 'her warrior' like Davina said? Her Mark…_

Suddenly, Tamsin put it all together and fully realized for the first time this cycle, what exactly she'd done. The Wander and his evil eyes, the bounty, the rune glass, Bo…

_Oh god. He took Bo. And it was my fault. All my fault…_

"Oh god…" She mumbled, face in her hands.

"I still can't believe it. That you, Tamsin the _feared_, fell for someone. Gods, this must be some warrior, to hook someone like you…" Davina mused, as she reached over the bar to fix herself another drink.

_Bo. Bo's still in trouble. He took her but she escaped and He's is going to find her again._ "I have to protect her…" Tamsin mumbled to herself.

"Of course you do. She's your warrior." Davina smiled.

Tamsin slid off her seat. "Davina, I'm sorry but I have to go. Thank you though. I have to get back. I have to tell her… I have to protect her.. Oh shit- it's going to take forever to get back! I totaled my truck and had to take the bus…" she realized how stupid that last part was, as she said it.

" 'Sorry'? 'Thank you'? This warrior of yours… she changed you, hasn't she?"

"Not just her, all of them." Tamsin thought of Kenzi. Of Dyson. Of all of them. Her first family. And her last now.

"Well, get going then! You have your warrior to protect! And what's this shit about buses? You're on your last life, Bitch." She slapped her on the back. "You can travel in style now…"

Tamsin smirked, catching her drift. She moved towards the center of the room, giving herself a bit more clearance, and closed her eyes. She grit her teeth, arched her back and with a rip she could hear as well as feel, her wings burst forth and unfurled, expanding and stretching all the way out to the tips.

She opened her eyes, and realized the bar had gone completely silent. Conversations stopped and all Valkyrie eyes were on her.

Tamsin opened her mouth to say something when one of them stood up. She had short blonde hair, piercing eyes and armor that was polished to perfection. Slowly, she withdrew the sword from her hilt and held it across her body. Across her heart.

Before Tamsin could register what was happening, the others began to rise, one by one. All removing their weapons and placing them over their hearts.

Tamsin looked over to Davina, who's own dagger was unsheathed and across her chest. "What…"

Davina spoke. "We recognize this as your last life. We all know what those wings mean. What sacrifice they signify. You have found your warrior and your last life has begun. A Valkyrie only loves once, Tamsin. It's rare, and it's special. That's what love is."

She heard Davina and thought of Bo. Of her love for Bo and how it may never be returned, at least not in the same way. She thought of that love and how it snuck into her heart and had made a home there, even before she was aware of it. Unwilled and uninvited, but not regretted. She did not regret it one bit.

She took in the sight before her. The legion of Valkyries saluting her, sending her off to her fate. She smiled a sad smile, realizing what the rest of this life had in store for her. The pain, and all that came with this love.

"Love?" She said looking back at Davina. "Love will get you killed,".

"Oh yes," Davina nodded, and let her solemn expression curl into a slight smile. "But what a way to go."

With her other hand she raised her glass to Tamsin, who nodded back before she walked past the crowd and out into the night again. Outside, the moon shone on her wings and she turned around again to look back. She looked again at the symbol carved into the building. _'V' for Valkyrie_, she thought again. As she rose into the night, she felt she finally understood what that meant.


End file.
